Looking Back

Hi guys,

I'm back here to write just for fun. I just reread my old blog posts from all the way back to 2011. I have grown so much and there was a lot of times where I cringed when I read my blog posts. They are embarrassing but it's good to have a good look back to how much you have improved since then.

I do not recommend you to read back all my old blog posts as I wrote it when I was merely a hatch-ling. I now wonder how did my blog receive a lot of good feedback when it was, tbh, really shitty. I do not know really but I guess it was a good idea for me to move on from this blog onto my "new" blog Haziness In Me.

I choose not to delete this blog because I am really sentimental and prefer to keep all that I have written from the past even if its not that good. Well that's it for this post.

Until next time,
Mizan Ahmad.

Cold

Hi guys I know in my last post I wished that I wouldn't be leaving this blog to dust just like that. There's been so much going on in my life that I'm not sure if I can cope with everything anymore. It's just so hard nowadays. I'm writing this while waiting for my flight from Perth to Melbourne.

Tbh, I don't feel good about going back to Melbourne because I feel emptier than before I even left Melbourne. This is no cure for what I have in my heart. I'm just stupid to think so. I can't run from reality. Nobody can. Perhaps this is it, I don't know what to do now. I just feel so shitty about myself. I am no object. I am a human being.

I know I might be too much sometimes but sometimes it's just too much even for me. It used to be really good when I would normally have my breakdowns but lately it's really hard for me to actually shut myself down. I mean as much as I want it to happen, it just won't.

I am done being strong. I mean I need myself to be weak again like last time. It was way better then. There is nothing wrong with the environment I'm in, its just me. Everything that I think is wrong with world is actually me. I am nothing. Irrelevant in the eyes of the world. I know I'm just overthinking but sometimes you just need to vent it out somewhere.

My heart is dead. I feel dead. I feel the need to be loved for who I am but it is so hard. It is pathetic I know. I'm pathetic. I'm stupidly pathetic. I don't know what to do anymore. Fk this feeling.

I'm sorry guys.

Good night.

The Past

Hey guys,

I'm actually back in my hometown now for my term break.
Its really hard for me; when you're away, you tend to forget all of those problems you left behind.
Now that you're back, everything comes back to you, everything at the same time.

Its only my 5th day here, I'm already feeling eager to go back to Melbourne.
Its just that I feel at peace away from here. Its really hard.

I feel so depressed.

The New Me?

Hey guys,

Its been ages since I've updated this blog. I mean literally. Its been a year.

I'm not even that active with my other blogs lately since its that time of the semester again.

The time that you know you have to focus and do well on your studies.

* I wonder if I still have readers on this blog *

I noticed a few changes in my writing style. I'm no longer a deep and emotional writer 

(well not as deep as before). I don't what changed but yeah I guess the universe has

taken its toll on me.

I learnt a lot for the past year, being in uni and stuff. Especially since I've moved

to Melbourne. Things have been like how life is. We all have our ups and downs.

I'm keen to try new things since I've got here. Not the negative stuff, I mean all those

activities that I've never done before.

I realised that I'm kind of good at a lot of stuff and I'm planning on sharpening the skills

that I already possess. Its weird... This whole new experience thing but I like it.

I hope my next post won't be in a year time.

Until then,

Mizan Ahmad.

Self Immunity

I guess its my first post since forever. Now that I have tons of free time waiting at the airport, I need to let go of a few things thats been bothering my mind. 

It was difficult to endure the pain of being such a disappointment but once you've realized that you did the best you can and that the problem isn't you but the person who put in such high expectations was the one who's at fault at making you feel bad, you will feel immune. It does hurt for awhile but it will heal faster than before. 

My advice here is that you shouldn't be putting the blame all on you. It brings nothing good to you. All you need to do is feel a little bit of freedom, a time for you to take a break from all unnecessary expectations of people, and just be, you. When you tried your best and you don't succeed, just know that you've did your best and go to hell with what people was hoping from you. This is your life. You should have control. You decide on what you choose to be, set your own goals, ignore the lifeless people who only want you to achieve something that they can't. By that you can feel enlighten because you no longer feel the burden of needing to achieve something that wasn't yours to achieve in the first place.

I'm running out of juice so until then.

Thanks for reading.

The Young Rebels

" We are the butterflies that can't roam free"

I can see that I'm not the only one suffering in a cage unable to be free. Without, I, myself noticing, the people who are close to me are facing the same thing but with a slightly different touch. Are the wings attached to our body really meant for us to fly ? We have grown independent yet we are still locked inside a jar. My friends and I, we have always been alike without ourselves noticing. Family has always been a problem but not to say, we've grown with it. All 3 faced the same situation called "being neglected". I have only seen the sorrow within me but I've forgotten to see others'. How weird it is to call yourselves best friends without knowing the pain your so called best friends are facing ? It's unbearable for me but yet I have done the same.

If you can see the things I see and the things I feel, I bet you'll have a clear picture of what I'm trying to say.

The elders think of us as rebels but who's fault is it in the first place ? Time is precious and can't be taken aback. You can never go back to the past but can only reminisce it in the present. Imagining isn't the same as experiencing. Some have been too strict and some have been too left out. Although it differs in words but the feeling is still the same. Loneliness. We understand ourselves more than anyone else. People can't see through your mind and your eye. I can never gain back the things I lost in the past.

How do you feel to see your best friends drifting apart. As they say "I have my own path to follow", just watching them leave without turning back and you're just standing there foolishly as you try to figure out what to do to make both of them stay ? In the end, you'll lose hope and drift apart as well. This is a slight imagery of what's happening right now. I feel sad and foolish to let this thing go on. "Helpless", this is the word. Though I might be able to make one person stay but it doesn't feel right to have one missing piece in your puzzle. You can't be whole if you don't have all the parts. That's what they say...

We were once 3 butterflies who flew together side by side..

That was a long time ago..

We all now have our own path to follow..

Though the journey of us 3 was short,

Memories made will never be forgotten..

-Haruno HS (Team 7)

P/S: Don't get me wrong, this is what I see from my perspective.
       I have no right to assume anything. But from what I see this is real.
       Sorry if I might offend you but this is a mixed tale of us 3.

Love

"What is this world without love ?"

Love works in a mysterious way that we can never understand. Its a natural occurrence between two souls.

Its a feeling we can never live without. For sure without love, the world wouldn't be how it is now. It will be rather gloomy and cruel. Love is like a light in this world. A light to abstain life that is. 

  Where do we stand in this world ? If its not for our loving nature, we will forever be an enemy between each other. Young women and children killed and there will never be peace. Some people fell in the illusion of love. They fell hard and as an illusion, it won't last long so they ended up broken like a bird unable to soar in the sky above. Illusion of love is when a person thought they are in love but its actually the feeling of loneliness over conquering the state of mind. Well for me that is.

 Love can be found in vary. Love for your friends and family, love for your pets and the most important of all is your love for God. When we love somebody, we will care for them as much as we care ourselves.

I have yet to find the love of my life. Well, its too soon for me. I still have a long journey ahead. I am sure God has better things planned for me, might as well be a beautiful love story crafted for me and only me. Every person's story differs from each other. Well thats for sure. By the time we found the person we want to spend our whole lives with, everything will fall to accordingly. God knows.